Saturday, December 20, 2014

Changes...

My sister died 2 months ago. We had a strained relationship. I didn’t like her choices. I didn’t like her actions. I didn’t like the way she treated my oldest nephew. But through all of the problems we had, I still loved her. And on my birthday, every year, she sent me a message saying that she loved me. Some years, I wondered why she would not apologize for all that she had done. I wanted an apology, not a happy birthday. Sometimes I just responded with a quick “Love you too, Missy”. I knew that anything more between us would be unhealthy. Through it all, I loved her, even when I could not like her.
 
When she died, she left 5 children. I have a terrific relationship with her oldest adult child, whom she did not raise. I did not know her other 4 children. Her oldest two children are now living with me and The Joes. I am getting to know them and I am finding that they are very interesting humans. I have been angry at my sister for so many years and now through her passing, she has blessed me with two more children to love.
 
My household is grieving. The children are grieving the loss of their mother. They will be consumed with what ifs for a long time. They will miss their personal relationships with her and they will wonder what could have been. My children did not know my sister well. They have, however, lost their lives as they knew them. They have to make changes to allow for their cousins. They are sharing rooms and there is less money for frivolities. They are adjusting to the changes. They are all getting along. They talk to each other and laugh with and at each other. And they fight with each other as most siblings do. I am grieving the loss of my sister and any potential for change or growth or reconciliation.
 
During this time, I have found that we are resilient. We are a team. And we have the greatest support system ever. I am super nervous about having 4 teenagers in my home. They outnumber me!!! But I feel blessed that God sent them to me and allowed them to be a part of my life. All four of them!!