Fear of running

I took a break from writing this summer to enjoy The Joes and the season. I also took a break from running. I took this break because I have been afraid. I ran a couple of times this summer but no long runs at all. I ran a total of about 12 miles!!! My longest run this summer was about 3 miles and I struggled. I got fully dressed a couple of times and even thought that I would run more but when it came time to actually run, I chose to ride the bike or to hit the gym. I only figured out just recently that I was afraid. So…what am I afraid of?

I am afraid that I am old and will hurt myself. 38 feels a lot different than 26. When I was 26, I hurt my left foot at work. I was sent to an MD at the hospital where I was employed. After testing, I was diagnosed with arthritis in my foot. I didn’t care one bit. I didn’t take it seriously. I never got the prescription filled for the medication that was prescribed. I left the office and ignored everything that was said to me that day. I was 26!!! Who has arthritis at 26? Last year, after an injury to my right foot and repeated complaints of numbness and pain, testing revealed that I had arthritis in my right foot as well. This time I took it seriously. The MD said that staying active was a great way to fight it. So I kept running. I was still experiencing numbness and pain at times. This scared me and left me wondering whether or not I was going to permanently injure myself. My running times began to suffer. Where I was once able to run a half marathon without stopping once to walk, I was walking during 3 mile runs. I felt horrible about that.

I am also afraid of failing. I began to fear that my pace times would never improve. I want to be faster. Over time, I expected that my times should improve. I dreaded running and seeing those times taunting me. I wanted to see improvement. Over the 6 months prior to my running hiatus, I had only seen my pace per mile increase. People had invited me to run with them. I politely avoided these invitations. I disappeared. Last week I felt a renewed drive to run. I got dressed and ready for a run a few times last week but ended up biking or hitting the gym. On Sunday, the last day of my workout week, I was determined that this should be the week to re-start. I decided to run my street. One time up and down is a little over half a mile. I set a goal to run 3 miles. I ran that first mile in 9:38. The next mile was 10:15. The third mile was 11:29. I walked a portion of the 3rd mile. Positives: 1. I can still run a mile in under 10 minutes. 2. I am still in good shape. 3. I had no pain during this run. Negatives: I walked during a 3 mile run. I now have to set new running goals taking into account my lack of running over the summer. At this point, I need to work back up to my continuous 3 miles. So…If anyone is interested in running with a turtle. Let me know. I think I’m ready to get back on the road…